“This is so ridiculous,” Daniel Tosh told a sold-out crowd at Veterans Memorial last night. The touring comedian, who hosts Tosh 2.0 on Comedy Central, was referring to his fierce skyrocket to fame. He’s a celebrity now, and we were mushy dweebs in his presence. He quipped that Columbus is the “least depressing city in Ohio that starts with ‘C’” and that “Tressel is a cheat and always has been,” which (naturally) made us laugh our Buckeye butts off. What does he tell kids who want to be a famous comic like him when they grow up? “Never. That will never happen. That will never, ever happen.” Because he’s “a gift from God” and we’re all zeroes. Then he smiled that trademark dopey grin, and we impishly forgave him.
According to Tosh, we’ll never run out of contestants for The Biggest Loser, the mom in 19 Kids and Counting doesn’t love all her children the same, and the film crew of Man Vs. Wild sits around laughing and eating Luna Bars. And it’s important to find a good bank in heaven. At one point, he glanced at the stacks of mammoth speakers surrounding him and blurted “This is an appropriate number of speakers for my jokes.” Tosh also, of course, unleashed a fury of material that was too dark and twisted to mention here. But as lewd as comedians can be, I have so much respect for them. Armed with a stool, a spotlight, and a glass of water, they’re expected to make us laugh until our jaws ache. Opener Kyle Kinane made me snicker harder than I ever thought possible about poison-ivy-induced “cheesy brat legs,” Pac-Man pajamas, a “stuffed dude,” Doral Light cigarettes, fancy cancer, and Arizona Wal-Marts at midnight. My jaw hurt the whole way home.