My Super Bowl Ad
For the second time in history, the price of a 30-second Super Bowl spot has decreased. For the low, low price of $2.5 million, you too could have your own half-minute of countrywide fame. Naturally this got me to thinking what I would do with that gilded time allotment on February 7.
FADE IN:
INT. A WOOD-PANELED ROOM – NIGHT
A distinguished man sits in a cushy leather chair, reading. A roaring fire emanates from a gargantuan fireplace casting a warm glow on the wall of books behind him. The man is Will Ferrell and he is portraying James Lipton.
PHONY JAMES LIPTON
WHY, HELLO. I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
Phony Lipton sets down his book (something light and breezy, like The Merchant of Venice) and gazes directly into camera.
PHONY JAMES LIPTON
I LIKE TO RELAX AND UNWIND.
He sips from his Smithsonian coffee mug and saunters to the window.
PHONY JAMES LIPTON
AND WITH ALEXANDRA477, I CAN DO THAT WHENEVER I SEE FIT. UNLESS I'M STARRING IN AN IMPORTANT MOVING PICTURE, OF COURSE.
Phony Lipton places his coffee mug on table fashioned from a stuffed boar’s head.
PHONY JAMES LIPTON
WITH ALEXANDRA477, I DON’T HAVE TO FRET OVER MY TASKS, BECAUSE
SHE MANAGES THEM FOR ME. WHY, IT’S AS EASY AS RUBBING THE BELLY OF A BABY SQUIRREL AT THREE IN THE MORNING.
He lights a candle and strokes his beard.
PHONY JAMES LIPTON
WHEN I NEED A NOTE SCRIBED TO A YOUNG LASSIES DECLARING MY BAWDY INTENTIONS TO HALF-HEARTEDLY COURT HER, ALEXANDRA477 RISES TO THE OCCASION.
He lets out a throaty groan as he lies down on a large bear skin rug.
PHONY JAMES LIPTON
WHEN THE EDITOR OF MANLY QUAIL HUNTERS MAGAZINE BESEECHES ME FOR A ROUSING ANECDOTE ABOUT GALOSHING BLINDFOLDED THROUGH A FOWL-RIDDLED FOREST, I KNOW ALEXANDRA477 WILL PEN IT WITH A DEFT HAND.
Phony Lipton reaches into the mouth of the rug and retrieves a cocktail shaker, tumbler, and bottle of liquor.
PHONY JAMES LIPTON
AND YES, EVERY TIME I IMBIBE ONE TOO MANY BUTTERSCOTCH SCHNAPPS AND PUBLICLY CALL SOMEONE OF GREAT IMPORT A "SISSYWILLOW," ALEXANDRA477 QUELLS THE EVIL FIRES OF DRAGON-FACED GOSSIP.
He hoists his cocktail in the air, toasting.
PHONY JAMES LIPTON
DELIGHTFUL. SIMPLY DELIGHTFUL.